and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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