There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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