Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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