Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
