I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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