im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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