I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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