U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
