i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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