Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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