I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
