just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
