My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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