Joe is yelling at the trees again.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
