What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Panties = found
Randomize
