I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
