I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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