Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
