At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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