The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
