How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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