Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Even my vagina gasped.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
