If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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