No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
