I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
