last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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