Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
