There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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