my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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