And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
