Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We had to coat check the pizza.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
