He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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