They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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