If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
