We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
