Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
