Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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