a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
