Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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