you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
