You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
