Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
