I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
