i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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