Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
