My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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