I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
