Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car