Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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