Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
