Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
