if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
