so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
