what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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