it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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