It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
