Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
