I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
