Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
