Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
