So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
